12 Things Men Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman
Sure, some of these things men should never say to a pregnant woman are common sense, but, as the popularity of Affliction t-shirts proves, men can’t always be trusted to follow common sense. So, I give you, the 12 Things Men Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman.
12. You look really good for being pregnant! This is just a good rule for life, gentlemen. If you’re ever going to tell a woman “You look really good for ______,” the response you’re most likely to get is “Thanks. You seem really nice for an a$$hole.”
11. Can I buy you a beer? If she’s gonna have a drink (most doctor’s say one drink is okay), let her be the one who buys it (or at least brings it up).
10. What are you doing later? Wait, are you hitting on this pregnant woman? Why else would you ask her what she’s doing later immediately after you offered to buy her a beer? Please don’t hit on the pregnant women. Just go back to your game of Golden Tee and your Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
9. Was it planned? Not only is whether her baby is planned or not none of your business, but does it really matter? Is whether or not she mentally prepared for nine months (if she planned it) or only eight (if she was surprised by her pregnancy) going to affect her ability to care for her child? No, but it will definitely affect how awkward the next two minutes of your life are if you insist on asking a pregnant woman if she planned said pregnancy.
8. Congratulations, when are you getting married? It’s 2012, and plenty of single women, unmarried couples and yes, even gay couples who can’t get married, are intentionally having babies. Thanks for your concern though, Grandpa, it means a lot.
7. Can I touch your belly? Look dude, if you’re not her baby’s father or under ten years of age, you have no business touching her belly. If you wouldn’t touch her belly when she’s not pregnant, you shouldn’t be touching it when she is.
6. You look like you’re about to pop! Nobody needs a reminder of how big they’ve become, especially not a woman who is at the absolute apex of uncomfortableness. If you can’t fight the urge to blurt this one out, you might as well immediately kick yourself in the shins to save her the trouble.
5. How could you forget about _______? Even though pregnancy brain is absolutely real, you do not talk about pregnancy brain. Pregnant women have a lot on their minds (like the fact that they are busy growing another human inside of them), so just ignore their little mental follies and concentrate on what’s important, like who you’re going to take with the first pick in your fantasy football draft.
4. Are you sure I’m the father? Whoa, buddy. Let’s say you do find yourself in a predicament where a girlfriend or lover tells you that you are the father of her unborn child. If she’s telling you that you are the father, she either knows you’re the father or has decided to pretend that she knows you are the father. Either way, nothing good will come out of asking her if she’s “sure.” If you do find yourself in this position and you don’t think you’re the father, all you can do is wait until the child is born, call Maury Povich and practice the “I knew it, b*tch!” dance that you’ll inevitably do at the show’s taping.
3. What do you want for dinner tonight? Getting an accurate read on what a pregnant woman will be hungry for is like seeing a unicorn ride Haley’s Comet. If you’re serving dinner to a pregnant woman at 6pm, don’t ask her what she’s hungry for until 5:57.
2. Can we have sex now? How about now? Not only do you have no control of your girlfriend/wife/spouse’s sex drive during pregnancy, but neither does she. Pestering her to have sex when she’s not up for is only going to make her feel worse about it than she already does. Be patient, watch and re-watch the episode of Game of Thrones where Khaleesi gets naked, take a few cold showers and things will come around.
1. Are you pregnant? You know the joke that you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby falling out of her? Well, it’s mostly true. Basically, if you have to ask a woman if she’s pregnant, then you shouldn’t be asking. If you are absolutely sure she’s pregnant, feel free to ask away. If it turns out you’re wrong, hopefully she’ll be too distracted by your awesome Affliction t-shirt to notice.
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