It Gets Better
Don't worry new-parent scuba divers, I'm sure that's just a really big dolphin behind you.
I think there should be an It Gets Better Project aimed at new parents. I’m not saying being a new parent is as difficult as being a GLBT teen, but I am saying that new parents need some help understanding that there is a light at the end of the newborn tunnel. At our house, we had a rough first three months. Becky was recovering from a traumatic birth experience, Rosalie was having the usual newborn struggles and I was struggling with some sort of testosterone-enhanced version of post-partum depression. And then, right at the three-month mark, things got better. Everything looked almost exactly the same from the outside, but in the blink of an eye things were less stressful, easier to manage and much more fun – as if we thought we were treading water amidst a sea of sharks, only to suddenly realize they were dolphins.
It’s not that I wasn’t told that things would get better. I heard this from friends, I read it in books and I heard it from many of you who read this blog, but I never really believed it. Maybe it’s the old, “sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees,” cliche, or maybe it’s just that I’m hard-headed, but really, it was nearly impossible to understand how our lives would improve. It seemed to me that things would only get more difficult as Rosalie gets older, as Becky goes back to work and as we are expected to be normal contributing members of society – instead of zombies that smell like baby formula and fear. And you know what? Things probably do get harder logistically, but what I underestimated is how different Becky and I would be – and how different we were those first three months. If I’m being honest, I’m pretty embarrassed that I’ve struggled this much with getting a grip on fatherhood. I thought it was possible to take fatherhood in stride (and maybe it is for some people) and I was really disappointed in myself when I couldn’t do it. I really do think it would have helped if I could have watched a few “It Gets Better” videos of parents sharing horror stories and talking about how much their lives have improved. Especially if Oprah would have made one. After all, if Oprah says it and it’s on the internet, it must be true.
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Everyone told me that, too, and I superficially believed them, but it never really made things easier. Hell, they still tell me that and I am now a mother of 3! I do wish I could go back to my one-child-self and tell her to relax! I never felt like I was an overly nutty first time parent, BUT there are many things I no longer sweat that would have made me tear up back then. Most of it was just not trusting that I knew exactly what was best for my baby and our new little family. Now, all I can say is SCREW everyone else! My kids rock and I like to think it is because my husband and I are doing the jobs we need to be doing. Trust yourselves! I’m glad you are coming out of the fog that is the first few months! Congrats! You now know it is an experience you cannot understand until you are elbow deep in poopy diapers and going on a week or more with only an average of 3 hours of sleep a night (no partying involved). Think of it as boot camp. You’ve been broken down and reshaped into real parents that can handle anything! Keep up the good work soldier!
I don’t want to discourage you, but you’ve made it through the first hump, so I think I can say this safely. It DOES get better, and then it gets worse, and then it gets better, and then it gets worse, and then it gets better… each age and stage presents it’s own challenge. Some of them you think you’ll NEVER get through. Then somehow, slowly, gradually, you do. Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart. The awesome thing is, you’ve had your first success. So when she starts teething and you think you’re going to lose your mind, remember this time… hang on to this, because now you know that it changes. It will pass, things DO get better. Trust me.