Things You’ll Learn at a Couples Shower

Photo proof that it's impossible to look cool while drinking out of a baby bottle.

Ten things I learned at our couples shower.

10. You are not supposed to invite single men to a couples shower. If you do, you will be ridiculed with the question, “When you were single did you ever get invited to a couple’s shower?” The answer will be “No,” and you will deserve this ridicule.

9. Kids aren’t allowed at a couples shower. This is presumably because their mere presence would cause the pregnant couple to have an anxiety attack in anticipation of the chaos they have in front of them.

8. It is really hard to drink out of a baby bottle. I mean seriously hard. We had 15 adults sucking on bottles for several minutes and nobody drank more than an ounce of liquid.

7. The “guess the size of the pregnant woman’s belly by cutting a string that she will put around her waist in front of everyone” game is pretty fun to watch. Almost everyone is really bad at this game. Like, “cutting a string so big that would fit around a small dirigible bad.”

It's okay to laugh when someone else cuts a string that is twice the size of mom's belly. But if you make such an irresponsible guess as the new dad to be? There will be no laughing.

6. If you play this “cut a string the size you think the new mom to be’s belly is” and you are the new dad to be, make sure you cut a string the size of someone with the waist of a Disney princess. Trying to be accurate is not worth the guilt if you guess too big.

5. Opening gifts in front of people is a little awkward. Opening gifts for babies that you have no idea the name or purpose of is just plain embarrassing.

4. Do not tell the attendees of your couples shower the proposed names of your baby.

3. If you tell the attendees of your couples shower the proposed names of your baby, prepare to have these names so scrutinized and beaten down by the crowd that you start to wonder if it’s better off not giving your child a name at all.

2. Your friends will put a bunch of cool messages for your baby in a book that he will be able to read when he grows up a bit. You will find out that your friends like you a lot more than you think.

And the number one thing I learned…

A couples shower is not nearly as kinky as it sounds.