The Five Unanswerable Questions of Parenting
While the mysteries of Stonehenge, the origin of the Crystal Skulls and the assassination of John F. Kennedy are unanswerable questions 1 thru 3 in most people’s minds, I’m pretty sure that these Five Unanswerable Questions of Parenting are numbers 4 thru 8…
Is it dangerous to keep your wireless internet router in your baby’s room? Google hasn’t confirmed or denied that this is dangerous, but I figure there’s just as good of a chance that your baby is able to learn something because of all the information passing through the air in her room. Every time I look up something on Wikipedia it has to go past my baby before it gets to my computer. If she doesn’t know the name of both of the guys from Milli Vanilli at this point I’d be pretty darn surprised.
Why do people pretend that changing diapers is a big deal? Every parenting book, TV show and romantic comedy involving Kate Hudson portrays a dad struggling to change a diaper over the stench and difficulty of it all. Heck, I took Home Economics in the seventh grade and one of the classes was spent learning how to change a diaper. Seriously, we spent an entire hour learning how to change a diaper. That was the last (and only) time I changed a diaper until Rosalie was born, and you know how long it took me to learn how to change a diaper this time around? Seven seconds – and that was only because I had to stop halfway through to update my Facebook status. I can’t decide if pretending that diaper changing is difficult is the most insulting or the most flattering thing we can do for dads. On one hand, “You must be exhausted from all that diaper changing!” is like telling a marathon runner, “You must be exhausted from having to stop and tie your shoes during that race!” On the other hand, if you are impressed that a dad is changing diapers, think how impressive all the other parenting things that dad is actually doing must be.
How are you supposed to keep from losing baby socks? The average human loses one sock per load of laundry. At about five loads of laundry a week, that’s 7,684,921 socks you’ll lose over the course of your lifetime. And those are adult socks. Baby socks are 1/50th the size of adult socks. Baby socks don’t stand a chance. They are the Michele Bachmann’s presidential bid of clothing.
Where are my car keys? Seriously, I can’t find them. Please let me know if you have any insight. Maybe start by checking underneath your couch cushions.
How do you “play” with a newborn? This is the one question I get most from new dads, and to be honest, I still haven’t the foggiest idea. You can put on a homemade puppet show while playing a banjo with your feet and your baby will just stare at you blankly, but then you’ll itch your ear and they’ll laugh at you maniacally. It seems impossible to play with something so unpredictable, especially when they are completely docile for 97% of their day. As far as I know, the only way to play with a newborn is to wait them out for four months – until they finally break down and grow up enough to be able to interact. I know this may not sound like the best plan, but if nothing else, it will give you enough time to make some cool puppets – and to learn to play the banjo with your feet.
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